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Storage Facility Fire That Destroyed Thousands of TD Ameritrade Records Not Remotely Suspicious.


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A massive storage facility fire on a business park was a complete accident, and nothing whatsoever to do with an upcoming investigation into short selling, says a spokesman for Ken Griffin.

The blaze broke out in a storage facility belonging to Access at 1200 Humbracht Circle at around 10am on Thursday 3rd February 2022 in Bartlett in northwest DuPage County, Illinois, and according to the local fire chief was a “multi-day event”, and the fire was finally extinguished 6 days later.

As most of our readers are aware, at Ken Griffin Lies we love a bit of Tin Foil Hat conspiracy stuff, and considering the levels of manipulation and financial treason we have seen in the markets, many of it tracing right back to our favourite Mayo-muncher Ken Griffin, we just couldn’t resist.

Bartlett Storage Fire destroys thousands of paper records. Nothing to see here!

What we know about the not remotely dodgy looking storage facility fire

As details are sketchy at this time, and rather than actually do any proper investigative work, we decided that it would be a good idea to lay out what we do know, and then let you apes make up their own minds as to what happened. Let’s face it, Apes are very good at that, and it does make for some interesting narratives. Here are the plot-lines…now go figure:

  • The storage facility fire occurred at a site which housed paper records belonging to TD Ameritrade and JMG Financial, among others.
  • Within a couple of hours the extreme nature of the blaze was being blamed on shelves collapsing which “took out” sprinkler systems which are designed to control the blaze under normal circumstances.
  • Access claimed they immediately evacuated all staff, and it’s probably safe to say that anyone in their right mind wouldn’t have been in the building to find that out. It’s worth remembering that It took 6 days to completely extinguish the fire, and on day one the fire chief said he wasn’t putting any of his crew in the building due to the danger of walls collapsing. So how is anyone sure that the huge fire was the fault of the collapsing shelves?
  • Shortly before the fire, the DOJ announced an investigation into over 30 short selling firms, and their “allies”, citing “potential short selling abuses” as the reason for the probe, with Melvin Capital, Orso Partners, Sophos Capital Management and Hindenburg Research being sent official requests for information by the Feds.
  • As the fire was blazing, Ken Griffin’s Mayo-One private plane made a strange trans-atlantic journey, ending up with the plane being tailed by an unknown Bombardier jet, and eventually both landing close to one another in the middle of nowhere in northern Finland, for some reason.
  • The fire was so intense that the smoke plume could be seen many miles away, and even showed up on satellite images being broadcast by local TV stations.
  • Ken Griffin is a right lying twat, and him and his company are no stranger to doing all sorts of illegal shit, for which they’ve been fined many times (for the ones they were caught for anyway).

Now, whilst we are definitely not making any accusations of wrongdoing by any individual or organization, it’s worth pointing out that according to FEMA, around 42% of all arson attacks have some element of financial crime for profit associated with them. Of course, it could all be a huge accident, and ultimately we will have to wait and see what the official investigation turns up. Until then, and for entertainment purposes only, it’s great to connect a few dots and see if we end up with a picture of a suspect seen running from the scene holding a jar of Hellman’s Mayonnaise and a Bedpost and muttering something about owning the constitution.


This article, whilst drawing on true events is satirical. We are in no way accusing anyone of anything, so don’t be a cock and get all annoyed about it.


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